Tethered to Humanity
by octoberland
Summary: NM AU. Edward is gone leaving a devastated Bella in his wake. Riley Biers is recruited for Victoria's army but rather than waiting until Eclipse to go to her home he goes there while Edward is still gone. His human memories are ignited by Bella's presence
1. Chapter 1

**Full Summary: New Moon AU. Bella/Riley and eventually Bella/Edward. Edward is gone leaving a devastated Bella in his wake. Riley Biers is recruited for Victoria's army but rather than waiting until Eclipse to go to her home he goes there while Edward is still gone. His human memories are ignited by Bella's presence and her love for Edward fixates itself onto the next best thing, another vampire. Can they keep each other tethered to humanity or will their needs and instincts cause them to destroy each other?**

**A/N: Beta'd by Aleeab4u and pre-read by latessitrice. Special thanks to latessitrice for helping me with the title. All characters property of Stephenie Meyer.**

**Just a short introductory chapter here for now. For those of you that normally read me I'm still in my slump so this doesn't necessarily mean that I'm back. I'm trying though. I am working on a couple of updates for A Different Forest and I did recently write a drabble/short short songfic inspired by the song Howl by Florence + The Machine. I haven't posted it yet because I'm honestly still very discouraged about writing fanfic. The only reason I'm posting this is because someone asked me to. If you'd be interested in my Howl piece let me know.**

**I know I'm behind on review replies and PMs and I promise I'm working my way through.**

**Fyi, I am now writing a weekly column for A Different Forest called Written In Blood. It goes up every Sunday. Two Sundays ago I did one called Why Vampires? and this past Sunday I did a piece on entitlement. This coming weekend I am making an appearance at a convention in Boston and will be doing a panel called Fanfiction As Writers Workshop. I intend to post the results of that panel in this Sunday's column.**

**Reviews are love. A banner for this would be awesome. And I'm going to be a whore and say if you like this spread the word? I need all the encouragement I can get right now.**

**Lastly, a quick rec: On the Banks of the Red Roses by kalimando. It needs love. Twilight AU. Vamp/human. Rated M.**

**Thanks for reading.**

Chapter 1: Introduction

May 2005

It is a cool spring evening when Riley Biers steps out of Pike Place Market. Rain is pouring down and he flips up the collar of his jacket in a vain attempt at keeping dry.

He steps out into the empty street leaving behind the bright lights and the comfort of the people inside. His body is liquid warmth from the two beers he's had but the chill damp air begins to chip away at that warmth and settle into his bones. He stops midstride to look around for a cab but instead sees only a strange blur of black and red. He tries to focus, looks around some more, but all he sees are closed up shops and the occasional flash of headlights further up the road.

Something hard bumps into him and almost knocks him to the ground. He spins around but sees nothing. The hazy remnants of the alcohol are quickly wearing off. He knows on a primal level that somehow his life is suddenly in danger.

Another flash of red and his body is thrown against a nearby brick wall. Pain blossoms and the wind is knocked out of him. He stands on shaky feet and searches the street but still sees nothing. He coughs and sputters. The rain is getting in his eyes and he is now on high alert.

_Fight or flight…fight or flight…fight or flight…_

His body chooses flight.

He takes off down a dark alley that leads to the ocean front. It doesn't matter that this is a stupid idea. It doesn't matter that this is taking him farther away from the safety of people. All he can think is _run_ and run he does right up to the water's edge. He nearly falls off the wooden pier into the cold water below.

"What do you want?" he screams but no one answers.

One last shove, marble against a soft body, razor sharp teeth across tender flesh, and then pain. Unbearable, unimaginable pain. And fire. Riley Biers is on fire and there's nothing in the world that can help him now.

December 2005

Pain. That's all she ever feels anymore. She thought maybe one day it would at least turn to numbness but she was not granted that small kindness.

_I'm tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I'm not human._

Didn't he understand that that didn't matter to her?

_You're not good for me, Bella._

In her mind those words had twisted into "_You're not good enough for me, Bella_."

That was something she could believe. How could a creature as perfect as him ever love her? It had been a dream, a silly childish dream to think she could be with him; a vampire lover, immortal, beautiful, and never really hers. No more cold embraces. No more dizzying kisses. No more fantasies of all that was to come. Her future had been erased with a few simple words.

Now she sits in her room to pass the time. She stares out the window but doesn't really see anything. The leaves turn brilliant shades of red and orange, then the branches become bare, then they are covered in pure white snow, but she doesn't notice. She sits and stares out the window, immutable. As unchanging as the man she once loved.

People have tried to reach her. Her father has stood in the doorway watching her many times. Sometimes he's yelled at her. Sometimes he's made vague attempts to be affectionate. Other times he's threatened her. All to no avail. She speaks only when she absolutely needs to except for the times when she sleeps and her subconscious mind wreaks havoc, spilling forth all her secrets until she wakes screaming and crying.

Friends used to call. Her mother even showed up once. She crooned and rocked Bella and swore and cussed at the man who'd broken her daughter even though he wasn't there to hear her. She tried to tell Bella that there'd be others and that it wasn't the end of the world but that only served to piss Bella off.

"Shut up!" she yelled. She stood and walked over to the window. She ran her fingers over the ledge. She still left the window unlocked.

"Leave." She whispered without looking back. "I want you to leave."

Last but not least was Jacob Black, an old childhood friend. She'd hardly seen him since she'd returned to Forks. Poor boy. What could he possibly do in the face of such grief and anger? He shuffled his feet, made lame jokes, picked at loose threads on her blanket, and eventually he gave up. Finally, blessedly, she was truly alone.

Or so she thought.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: This is another very short update and it has not been beta'd. That's totally my choice. Aleea is still my beta but I'm going through a very tough time right now and just wanted to get this up because it's been awhile and you have my apologies for that. So as usual any and all errors are mine. Please be kind. While I welcome critical feedback my skin is very thin right now due to a recent death.**

**I hope you are all well. Reviews are love. And please know that I appreciate every single one of you.**

He watched her from across the street. His target. His human target. He has been instructed not to kill her, threatened not to. Only to seek her out, gather information, and report back. He doesn't understand. Aren't these cows merely food? Why should one human girl matter? But he'll do what's asked of him. He owed the red haired demon that much. She created him, molded him, and loves him, or so she says. He owes her this. If it wasn't for her he'd be nothing, he'd dead by now anyway. Truly dead. She told him all about his life before. About how alone he was, how no one cared, how he'd stood at the end of a pier drunk and ready jump into the cold water and end it all. Victoria had saved him, given him a new life, an immortal life, with powers beyond imagining. He would do anything she asked.

The brown haired girl was sitting in her living room with an older man, her father he assumed. They were watching television but he could tell the girl wasn't really paying attention. Her eyes sort of had a glazed over look and she would only nod minutely whenever her father said something. He could also see the man growing exasperated. He heard him sigh and saw him shake his head and focus back on the TV. The girl continued to stare at nothing.

Riley knows very little about the girl. He was told where she lived, that she was human, that he was not to kill her. He knows that for some reason she's very important to Victoria, that every time Victoria says her name, _Bella_, she says it with a sneer and the hatred that rolls off of her is almost palpable. Occasionally in her anger she will take Riley, violently, against a wall or wherever they happen to be. She will claw and bite him and it hurts but then she always tells him she loves him and how proud she is of him. This makes him feel good. He wants to please her.

He watches as the human girl rises from the couch she's been sitting on and tells her father goodnight. He can hear her climbing the stairs. Her steps are slow, her feet dragging. He hears a door close and then water running. He waits. He's a very patient man.

xxxx

Bella goes through the motions. It's something she's used to. Having a routine helps her to keep a small shred of sanity. It's a charade though and one she knows her father sees through but it's the best she can do. She sits with him, she eats with him and she cleans and does laundry and runs errands for him. Tonight she will shower. For a long time this was something she didn't care to do. For a long time she didn't want to do anything at all but she could tell Charlie was getting fed up and she was worried he'd make her leave so she forced herself to do the basics.

She showered quickly and looks at herself as little as possible. She doesn't pay attention to what she wears and she no longer bothers to keep her room tidy. She's in no rush to sleep because she knows that will only bring nightmares so instead she logs online and sends her mother an email. She's taken to doing this weekly in an attempt to appease Renee. Their relationship has suffered because of Bella's behavior but Bella can't find it in herself to care. Bella is shut off, shut down. Nothing stirs her anymore. Not books, not music, nothing.

When she's finished online she sits in the rocking chair she's placed in front of her window. She looks out at the night sky and the snow capped trees. They are lit silver from the streetlamp. This is the worst time of day aside from sleeping. This is when there's nothing left to distract her and her mind turns to the past and all that she's lost. In her darkest moments she's thought about ending things but it just isn't in her nature to do that. So she sits and she remembers and she wonders where they are and if they ever think of her.

The light outside flickers and then goes dark. She gets up and presses her face up to the cold glass and cups her hands around her eyes to block out the light from her room. She sees nothing and decides to go to bed.

xxxx

She wakes to find Edward standing over her. She is speechless and ridiculously her mind immediately turns to how she must look and smell. She's wearing holey sweats, a dirty t-shirt, and she hasn't washed her sheets in weeks.

He looks her up and down.

"You disgust me," he sneered.

Her lip trembled, the first sign of impending tears and she bites down on it to try to keep them from coming.

"Leaving you was the best thing I ever did." He says.

Her eyes water and her cheek twitches.

"Do you want to know what I regret the most?" he asks.

She felt a tiny flutter of hope. He regretted something? Maybe he regretted hurting her?

"What?" she asked, hopefully.

"I regret saving you from James. You deserve to die."

He growled fiercely and leapt upon her.

Bella woke up screaming.

XXXX

Riley heard the girl scream and jumped up into the tree outside her window. He wasn't afraid of being seen because he'd knocked the streetlight out. She had bolt upright and was backed up against her headboard. Her breath was coming fast and hard and tears were streaming down her face.

He heard the click of a light switch from another room and then the rustling of sheets and then bare feet thudding on a wood floor. Then nothing.

"God damn it, Bella." He heard her father whisper. Then the steps retreated, the sheets shuffled again, and the light switch clicked again.

Bella was left to cry alone in the dark.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Just a quick recap since it's been so long since I updated; that way you don't have to go back to read the other chapters if you don't want to.**

**This is a New Moon AU. Edward has left Bella and she is deep in the throes of her depression. So far Jake is not a factor. I suppose this could change if the muse deems it necessary but for now I don't feel like throwing that in. I'm taking some liberties and combining the New Moon and Eclipse time line a bit so that Riley goes to Bella's house while Edward and his family is still gone. There will be some Bella/Riley but eventually it will be Bella/Edward.**

**In the previous two chapters Victoria changed Riley. She told him that when she found him he was about to kill himself and that no one but her cared about him. We saw Bella's depression, how she has pushed her family and friends away and feels worthless. Riley has arrived in Forks and has begun watching Bella, waiting for the right time to break into her house and steal some clothes like Victoria directed him to.**

**I still don't have a beta so please excuse any errors. I am trying to work through all my stories and finally start updating everything. I am accepting drabble prompts for Always in this Twilight, hint, hint.**

**Thank you to everyone who didn't give up on me. You know who you are.**

**All characters property of Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended.**

**Reviews are love and we all need love.**

Bella's father stood out on the street toeing the shattered glass strewn around the base of the lamp post. He was tired, weary from all the nights of interrupted sleep. If he were a more poetic man he might have likened the shards of glass beneath him to the shards of his broken daughter and their broken life. But he wasn't a poetic man. He was a practical man so instead he thought to himself; _Need to call Dave over at the clerk's office to get this fixed_.

He was waiting for Bella to come out so he could warn her about the glass. There wasn't much but with her luck she'd end up face first in it without even trying. Used to be that he'd be long gone by now, off to work, but ever since Edward left he's had to stick around to make sure she went to school. There were a few times in the beginning where he got calls from a sympathetic Ms. Cope asking if Bella was alright. He'd swing by the house in his patrol car only to find Bella curled up on the couch or in her bed.

They never used to fight. Everything between them had always been easy. That's why he didn't mind her coming to stay with him. There had never been a need for words or lengthy conversations. They understood each other. Or so he thought. This new girl was barely even a shadow of her former self. Her silence was different now. It wasn't a comfortable silence. It was one filled with pain and overwhelming grief. And when she did talk? It was with tears or with screams.

So he'd made a decision. One he knew she wouldn't like.

"Watch your step," he called out to her as she exited the house. He pointed down at the ground so she would see what he meant. She looked worse than he did but considering she was the one with the nightmares it made sense. She didn't even say anything. She just kind of nodded her head to let him know she'd heard him. She was wearing a plaid shirt and rumpled blue jeans and one of his old winter parkas. Her hair hung limp and stringy around her face and her eyes were red and puffy. Charlie braced himself for the conversation.

"Bells," he said as she approached.

She knew immediately that something was wrong and stopped dead in her tracks. He never called her Bells anymore.

"We need to talk," he continued.

She stared at him, waiting.

He hated this. He hated talking and he especially hated talking to women. He just wasn't good at it.

"Things haven't been going so well," he said while looking at the ground, "and well, your mom and I talked."

Bella's heart rate increased.

"We think you should go spend some time in Florida. Get away for a little while."

He expected her to argue, to maybe even cuss a little. What he didn't expect was the look of pure panic that crossed her face.

"NO!" she blurted out.

Outside of her nightmares it was the most animated he'd seen her in weeks.

"Bella..." he started.

"No, I'll be good, I promise, just don't make me leave, I can't leave..." she babbled almost incoherently.

He sighed. "You're not happy here."

She looked away. He was right. There was no refuting it.

"Please don't make me go," she whispered.

"Honey, why on Earth would you want stay?"

"My friends," she countered, weakly.

"You don't hang out with your friends."

"School. I need to finish."

"You can finish there."

She couldn't think of a good argument. Why didn't she want to go? Florida had so much to offer: sunshine, warm weather, her crazy quirky mother whom she did love despite their recent fights. Moving to Florida had the potential to help her heal and she knew deep down that was exactly the problem. She didn't deserve to heal. Besides, what if he came back? She would give anything; do anything, to see him one more time.

"Just let me finish school then I'll get out of your way." She sidestepped around him towards her truck and didn't look back.

xxx

Humans. He didn't understand them, could barely remember being one of them. What was all this fuss about? All this talking and pandering and placating and debate seemed so useless and petty to him; barely above the sound of cattle lowing as far as he was concerned.

He watched the girl drive away in her beat up old truck and then soon after her father left in a police cruiser. He waited awhile longer. He had all the time in the world. He thought about Victoria, about his parents, he tried to remember his life before but he couldn't. Not that it mattered. Victoria was his life now. She loved him and he loved her. When this was all over they could finally be together for real, just the two of them, forever.

When he was sure no one else was stirring in the surrounding houses and the streets were clear he leapt from tree to tree till he was in their yard and then he lowered himself carefully so as not to leave any footprints in the snow. He wished he could just break in but Victoria had been very clear with him.

"Don't mess this up," she had said. "No one can know you were there. No one."

He sniffed the air. His senses were exemplary since his change. He could smell the blood of a field mouse two streets over. Locating the hidden house key was child's play to him. Its dirty metallic scent was easy to find amid the rotting wood and years of accumulated debris that lined the door frame.

Riley took one last look behind him. Then he slipped the key in the lock, turned the door handle, and entered the Swan home.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hi. It's been awhile. Things are still rough here, yadda yadda, but I won't bore you with that. You are getting this chapter because of a new reader. I won't go into details but thank you, Elle Leigh. You will be getting a reply from me, I promise, but I was so touched by everything you said that I was inspired to try to write. Consider this my gift to you such as it is. **

**As usual, still no beta so I apologize for any errors. And I'm sorry it's another short update but it's quite late and I have to be up early. I don't know if anyone is still reading this but if you are, thank you.**

**Also, I know some people have requested my pulled stories. It is my intention to give you those at some point. I would just really like to get a beta first so they can be polished and thereby diminish my embarrassment at those early fan fiction attempts.**

**Reviews would mean a lot but regardless I hope you enjoy this and I hope you are all well.**

**All characters property of Stephenie Meyer.**

Memories are a strange thing. They come and go throughout our lives, distorting and morphing according to our moods and will. Happy memories are forgotten. Vague memories turn like milk left out on a warm summer's day. We remember things that never happened. We believe the lies we tell ourselves. Or the ones we're told by others.

Riley walks into the Swan household, barely making a sound as he goes. Ahead of him is a staircase leading up. Further down the hall he can see the kitchen and to his left is a living room. Everything is neat and tidy. The place smells clean with a hint of coffee and burnt toast from the morning. A weak ray of sunlight filters in through the white curtains but it's quickly swallowed by the near constant cloud coverage the region is known for.

He enters the living room, runs his hand along the back of the couch as he walks, feeling every ridge and bump and loose thread under his fingertips. It still overwhelms him on occasion, how sensitive he's become. It's like everything's firing on all cylinders at once and all he can do is ride it out.

There's a fireplace with a mantel. The fireplace has been well used. There's soot and fresh logs are stacked nearby. On the mantel there's an array of photos: a man standing near a lake holding a big fish. The same man standing next to someone in a wheelchair. There's a photo of a haphazard Santa with a young girl in his lap, his hat and beard askew, and a black and white wedding photo. Mixed among the photos were various fishing awards and figurines.

In the center of all this is a photo of Bella. Not little girl Bella. Not heartbroken Bella. Happy Bella. She's smiling and laughing at something off camera. The sun is shining through her hair. There are trees in the background with the leaves just turning. It's a beautiful picture. A perfect moment in time.

A perfect moment in time…

_He can see her now. Brown hair and brown eyes. Pale skin. Everything aglow in the sun's light. She even smells like sunshine. She's soft and warm, her body molded to his while she laughs and wraps her arms around his neck. She's whispering in his ear._

"_Yes. Yes, Riley, yes…"_

He hears a key in the lock, the distinct sound of metal scraping against metal. It snaps him abruptly out of his reverie. He stumbles, taken aback. For a moment he forgets where he is. He's confused. He looks to his left and sees that it's dark out. Night has fallen.

Riley Biers, perfect, immortal, Riley Biers, has spent the day lost in a single memory. All because of a human girl.

x x x

_Somewhere in South America…_

Edward's phone rings and against his better judgment he answers it.

"You're an idiot, Edward".

"Hello, Alice." He replies, coolly.

"She loves you."

He winces. He knows this and it causes him no small amount of pain.

"Did you call simply to torment me?" he asks.

"I called to tell you you're an idiot."

He goes to disconnect the call but then hears her yelling for him not to.

"I miss her." She says in a quiet voice.

Edward closes his eyes and sighs. "Alice, you promised."

"I know. But I still think you're an idiot." He hears a click and then the line goes dead.

He's been wandering aimlessly ever since he left Bella. He's squatted in attics and cellars, crouched in doorways at night, huddled in alleyways. He's fed off rats and other vermin when he's bothered to feed at all. It's the right thing to do, being away from her, but it's also driving him mad.

He spends hours upon hours every day thinking about her, remembering her. The way her hair curled when it was damp, the sound of her breathing at night, calm and even in his presence, the way her skin would flush and her heart would race when he kissed her, the sound of her voice when she whispered his name. These memories were all he had left, to carry him through an eternity of self-imposed exile.

He hoped they would be enough.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Hi. So, I have some news to share but I know some readers don't like long author notes so I'll put it at the end. It's only really pertinent to any long time readers I might still have. A sort of apology/explanation.**

**This chapter was not beta'd. I thought I had gotten a beta but then she seemed to kind of disappear so I guess I still need one. That goes for any of my pulled work too. I really would rather have that old stuff beta'd before passing it back out to people.**

**Anyway, I hope some of you are still reading. I know this isn't a happy story (yet) but I hope you enjoy it in as much as one can enjoy this sort of tale. Reviews would really mean a lot but regardless, I thank you for reading. For anyone who might have missed it but might be interested I did also post a Warm Bodies one-shot. That was my first foray into a different fandom so that's why I note it.**

**Hope you are all well. Reviews are love and we all need love. Thank you for reading.**

**All characters are property of Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended.**

Charlie knew right away that something was wrong. All the lights were off in the Swan home and Bella's truck was nowhere to be seen.

_God damn it_…he thought.

He slammed the cruiser's door shut and jogged up the walk to his house. "Bella?" he called out as he opened the front door. He flicked the hall light switch on. Everything was quiet.

A dozen scenarios flashed through his mind. They started out hopeful. _Maybe Bella was finally hanging out with her friends. Maybe she was involved in some school project. _But they quickly devolved to worst case scenarios. _She's run away. She's finally tried to do herself in._

For a brief moment he thought about using his radio to check in with the station but then decided to check the phone first. Charlie never was much of one for gadgets. He still had an old rotary phone in the kitchen complete with a tape recording answering machine, something Bella used to tease him about before that bastard broke her heart and she lost all sense of humor. He was just about to hit play when he heard the front door open and shut. He peeked around the corner but didn't see anything.

Over the years he'd developed what some cops called the "sixth sense syndrome", kind of like a butterfly feeling in the stomach, a sense of something not quite right. It had saved his life on more than one occasion. He was getting that feeling now.

Slowly, steadily, he reached down to his gun holster and flicked the snap open with his thumb. He placed his hand on his weapon, ready to draw, and edged his way down the hall towards the front door. Just as he reached the door Bella burst through it.

"Christ, Bella!" declared Charlie. He leaned back against the wall and let out a long sigh.

"Wh-what's going on?" she asked, freezing in her tracks.

Charlie turned to look at her. He took mental notice of her appearance, noting that she looked fine; nothing about her seemed off or out of place. Satisfied that she appeared healthy and safe, anger began to seep in.

"Where the hell have you been?" he asked her.

She winced. He never used to swear in front of her but ever since things had changed…since she had changed, he'd kind of let go and she hated seeing that side of him, hated that she was causing it. Part of her wanted to hold him, to call him "Daddy" like she had when she was a kid and tell him how sorry she was. But that part was small, hidden, buried deeply under days and months of pain and yawning years to come. She saw her future as an empty chasm and the only thing she could do to keep it at bay was steel herself, cut herself off, and protect herself. That meant letting no one in.

"Out," she replied, coldly, as she tried to shoulder past him and up the stairs.

"Now wait a minute, young lady." He tried to stop her, tried to block her way up the stairs, and instead managed to trip her. She stumbled onto the stairs, crying out as her knee struck the edge of one of the steps.

She cradled her knee, rubbing the pain away.

"Thanks, _Dad_…" she said, sarcastically.

Immediately, he felt guilty.

"I'm sorry. I was just worried about you."

He took a step towards her.

She stood. "Well, apart from my knee, I'm fine."

She hobbled up the stairs without another word.

It was a lie. She wasn't fine.

_Earlier that day…_

Bella stood on the cliff's edge staring down at the roiling grey ocean. The waves pounded the rocks creating huge splashes of white sea foam. The water seemed angry to her, as though it had a bone to pick with the earth beneath her feet. The salty air made tangles of her hair and stung her skin. She stood there with her hands jammed deep in her pockets and wondered if she should just go ahead and do it. She didn't often have these feelings but after that talk with her father this morning she wondered. Maybe this would be better. Maybe it would make people happy. Maybe this is what Edward wanted her to do. But every time she took a step forward something held her back. She didn't quite know what it was; just a sort of nagging, almost like a voice telling her not to.

She listened. For now.

x x x

She sat in front of her computer staring at that damned flashing cursor. She wanted to write about her day but everything she typed came out wrong. She wanted to say she'd gone to Edward's house after nearly jumping off the cliff. That it was the first time she'd been there since they'd left. She wanted to talk about how she's pried away the plywood covering the back window and snuck in; how the stale air and pin drop quiet nearly punched her in the gut. Even their house felt dead to her.

She'd walked around, running her hand over the dusty surfaces, fumbling in the darkness as her eyes adjusted. Mostly everything was still there, just covered in white sheets like a bunch of ghosts. It hit her then. _They'll be back. When I'm good and long dead, decades from now, they'll be back._ She realized that's why they hadn't sold the house. They were just waiting for her to die. She fell to her knees and started to cry, really big heaving sobs that swelled up her eyes and stuffed up her nose. Being in there was like standing in her own tomb. It was a physical reminder of all she'd lost because what it was really saying was: _We'll go on without you. In time. _

Images of each of them flashed through her mind, a catalogue of familiar faces she'd grown to love. In her mind she saw them happy, laughing, holding each other, all without her. Even Edward. She knew he'd find someone else. What happened between them was a fluke; some vampire instinct gone wrong, a crossed wire. That's all she was: a crossed wire, a mixed signal, easily forgotten, never important.

She shouldn't have gone there.

She'd cried all the way home. She wasn't fine. She wasn't ever going to be fine.

**A/N: If you've been reading my work for a while you know that I haven't been very good about updating, nor have I been good at communication. Outwardly, to some of you, it may have appeared that everything in my life was fine aside from occasional bouts of depression. I have many times said that part of my reason for not writing as much has been my lack of a beta and that has been true. But there's been another reason. For the past two years I have been in an abusive relationship. I just got out of it this month. I do not tell you this for pity. In fact, I'm quite ashamed of it which is why I never mentioned it before. I tell you simply because it is the major reason my writing has gone so downhill. My life became about daily survival. I never knew what each day was going to bring and it took all my time, effort, and energy simply to try to make him happy and keep him from flipping out. It was a full-time job and left no room for writing or anything else. He's gone now though I am still dealing with the aftermath. The police were/are involved. It's not all over yet. But as I continue to rearrange the puzzle pieces of my life I am confident that will mean more time for writing. I don't see why it wouldn't. I wrote quite a bit before I got into this situation. Now that I'm out of it the goal is to get back to normal as much as I can. **

**So that's what's been going on. You have my sincerest apologies and my promise to try to set things right. I'm trying to be braver about posting things without a beta. And I'm going to try to update things more often now. If you've stuck with me, thank you. If you're a new reader, well, sorry for dumping this info on you but I do hope you stick around.**


End file.
